Death's Door
by Mirror and Image
Summary: [Complete] Duo comes a little too close to the shinigami he calls himself. Heero must learn what happened and why in order to pull his friend out of it.


**Death's Door**   
By Mirror and Image

* * *

Heero pounded away at his keyboard, running simulation after simulation about Wing Zero's current upgrade. All of the Gundams had been given an upgrade by the Doctors, and Heero wanted to make sure that Wing Zero would work properly before he went and piloted it The simulations looked good, but Wing Zero appeared a little slow in certain areas, and Heero wanted all the bugs out.

The door to his room opened and from the reflection on the monitor, Heero saw that it was Duo. The American looked serious about something, but said nothing, instead sitting down on the bed. Heero grunted acknowledgement that Duo was there and went back to work.

After about an hour, Heero was wondering why Duo wasn't talking. Normally, it was impossible for Duo to keep quiet, but the heavy silence that hung over him was disturbing. Turning his chair, Heero looked over to Duo.

"All right," he said. "Spit it out. What's wrong?"

"Is what we're doing right for the colonies?" Heero was taken aback, though he showed now outward signs of it. It was a totally unexpected question, for Heero believed that all the pilots had overcome any doubts long ago. So what was up with Duo?

"We've always fought for the colonies. Even when they didn't believe in us. It is our mission to defend the colonies and stop them from seeing exactly what war does." Pausing, Heero chose his next words carefully. "It is what we've always done, so why do you question it now?"

Duo laid back on Heero's bed, staring up at the ceiling. "Don't worry about it, Heero," he replied quietly. "Every so often I question what I'm fighting for, but I always come back to the same conclusion."

"Which is?"

"I'm fighting so that the colonies don't have to. If I risk my life, then they don't have to risk thiers."

Obviously, it wasn't a very convincing answer if Duo still questioned himself from time to time, but Heero kept that thought to himself. Heero knew the braided youth well enough to realize that what he was doing was not the only thing bugging him. And whatever it was, stemmed a lot deeper than why he was figthing.

"Is there anything else you'd like to ask me?"

"Yeah," Duo said quietly. "Just who am I?" Bells started ringing in Heero's mind. Duo was not only questioning why he was fighting, but who he was as well? Where was all this coming from?

"And what exactly do you mean by that?"

"Is what _I'm_ doing right for the colonies?" Duo continued to stare at the ceiling. "I mean look at me, I'm Shinigami for crying out loud! Is that really the type of person who should be defending the colonies? Does the God of Death have a right to kill on behalf of the colonies? If so, what does that say about the colonies? What does that say about me if I'm willing to do so? Just who am I to the colonies? Who am I to Earth? Who am I period?"

Heero slowly swallowed all of this, not used to seeing such a dark side to Duo. Such a depressed side. Perhaps Heero did not know the braided youth as well as he thought. "You are a damn fine Gundam pilot despite being very annoying in personality. You kill your enimies-"

Duo cut him off. "And just who are our enimes, huh? The way things stand now in this war, I don't think even the Docs know who we're supposed to fight."

Heero decided to give him the advice he always followed. "Your enemy is the one who is trying to kill you. Kill him, or be killed yourself."

"But what good is my way of fighting?" Duo sat up and looked over to Heero. "You only kill those in front of you, Wu Fei bases his killing on honor, Trowa doesn't kill unless nescessary, and Quatre offers everyone a chance to surrendor. I just go out and kill everyone in sight. Hell, I enjoy it! Exactly what type of person does that make me?"

"A good soldier."

"Damn it!" Duo got up and punched the wall, cracking it and bloodying his knuckles. "Heero, I came here for a little compasion out of you, and all you give me is 'How to Be Heero 101'." He glared at the Japanese youth for a moment. "I was a fool to think I could get any compassion from you. You aren't even human." Duo stormed out of the room, leaving Heero to wonder where all of this anger and bitterness was coming from. Duo was nomrally an upbeat, though frustrating, guy. To suddenly be so depressed and angry was unlike him. To even question who he was. What happened to him?

* * *

About a week later, Heero was working on simulations in his room again. Duo had been avoiding him, which was understandable, considering how angry he was, so Heero didn't pay any attention to him. The door to his room opened and Wu Fei stepped in.

"What is it, Wu Fei? I'm busy right now," he stated.

"Yuy, have you noticed anything wrong with Maxwell lately?" Heero's ears perked up. Apparently whatever was bugging Duo was starting to get attention.

"Such as?"

"He hasn't played any pranks on me for the last week. When I went to thank him for the reprive, he said he didn't have the heart for it anymore."

"Right. I'll talk to him later on." Wu Fei left. Pounding at his computer, Heero wondered how deep this depression went to make Duo stop his light hearted play. It wasn't long, though, before someone else came in his room.

"Hai, Quatre?"

"Have you talked to Duo lately?"

"No, why?"

"That's just it," the Arabian frowned in worry. "He won't talk to anyone. I understand that it isn't easy talking to you, Wu Fei, or Trowa considering all of your temperments, and quietness, but he isn't even talking to me. I'm starting to get worried; this isn't like him."

"What do you suggest?"

"I've already tried talking to him, but he won't say anything. He usually plays tricks on Wu Fei, so that leaves him out, and Trowa is to quiet himself. That leaves you."

"Right. I'll talk to him later on."

"Domo arigatoo." This was indeed a serious depression. Not talking to anyone more or less went against Duo's religion. Where was all of this coming from? What had happened? Heero debated breifly talking to the Doctors about what missions Duo had been on recently but decided against it. They wouldn't know anything about what happened to Duo personally on a mission, only if Duo had succeeded or not.

A short time later, someone else knocked on his door.

"Come in, Trowa."

"I take it Wu Fei and Quatre have already talked with you?"

"Yup. What have you noticed about Duo?"

"Little things. Wu Fei's probably told you about the lack of pranks and Quatre's told you about his quietness. There's more to it than that. It's little aspects in his behavior that's off as well."

"Such as?"

"His shoulders slump a little more than normal. He takes a second or two to give that bright smile. He's staying in his room more and more, instead of going out like he usually does. He doesn't eat as much, though very close. His hair isn't as well treated. Small things, but they're starting to add up."

"Right. Find Duo and send him down here. Not to this room, but down this hall. I'll talk to him."

"I understand."

A short time later, as Heero peered from his nearly shut door, Duo floated down the hall. As he passed, Heero jumped out, grabbing Duo's long braid that was ever in reach and pulled the American into his room.

"Hey! What're you doing!" Duo pulled his braid away, rubbing his head with his other hand. "What's your problem?"

"That is the question."

"I beg your pardon?"

"What is _your_ problem? You haven't been acting like yourself and the others are noticing."

"That is none of your business."

"Oh yes it is. Your behavior may afect all of us in battle, making you undependable. I'm going to make sure you're dependable again."

"Back off!" Duo yelled. "How are you going to do that, huh Mr. Superman? You gonna beat me back to normal? And here I thought I was conforming to Mr. Joe Average by toning myself down a little bit."

"Your recent actions have hardly been normal, either by your standards or by the average colonists standards." Heero kept is voice even, letting Duo have all the anger. "What happened to change you so much?"

Duo smiled. "And what makes you think that this isn't my normal way of behaving, and that my bright cheery attitude was the fake?"

"Because when you smiled before, it was genuine and it reached your eyes. When you smile now, it's fake."

"So Mr. Superman has figured that all out, has he? And what's Mr. Superman going to do about it now?"

Heero growled. "Duo, you ba-" He was cut off as his computer read an incoming message. Heero glared at Duo for a moment, then turned to his monitor, seeing a new mission from Dr. J that would require Trowa's assistance. When he turned around, Duo was gone. Heero let out a long sigh. Duo was really messed up right now.

A short time later, Trowa came in.

"New mission. How'd it go with Duo?"

"Lousy, but right now, the mission comes first." Together, they started to plan out how they would infiltrate the base in question.

* * *

Later that week, Heero was walking down a long hall, dressed as a maintenance man, heading for the mission objective. Plans for a new moblie suit that could be troublesome. Duo was still in the back of his mind though. He kept falling deeper and deeper into this depression and Heero didn't know how to pull him out. What had triggered this? Where was all of this stemming from? Since the five of them had reunited, Duo had never gone on any solo missions, so it had to be from before they teamed up again. But if that was the case, how long had he been sinking?

A guard stopped him, pulling him out of his thoughts.

"Where are you going?"

"Sir, ah'm aheaded for a leak that needs afixin'," he drawled.

"On who's authority?"

"Well, sir, ah don't see no trouble," Heero continued, pulling out his id card. He casually rubbed the back of his neck, reaching under a band-aide that was there and pushing a button. "Can ah be on me way, sir?"

"Now, just a minute, you little smart-" there was a nice loud explosion that rocked the building. Followed by a second, which meant that Trowa saw the signal. The plan had been simple. Trowa would draw the security to himself while Heero got the plans. As expected, the guard took off running, so Heero went down the hall.

A few minutes later, Heero rounded the corner that would take him to where the plans were supposed to be. But around that corner was about fifty armed and armored men. It was going to be one of those days. He started to fight his way through.

"Heero!" Trowa's voice came over the earplug he had. "Heero, I could use some help"

"Mission uncompleted."

"Abort the mission. Quatre and the others have the exact same objective in another base. If we can't get it here, then Quatre will."

"Are you sure? He has Duo with him."

"Quatre's the best, just like the rest of us. We were expected here, but probably not at the other base."

Leave it to the doctors ot have two infultrations at once. "Right. Mission aborted." Heero took down a few more soliders and started to retreat.

Once he reached Wing Zero, the scanners showed him no Mobile Suits in the area at all. He looked over to Heavyarms to see that it was badly scorched and damaged. This was all very odd. No Mobile Suits and Trowa was getting beaten?

"Trowa, what's going on? My sensors show no mobile suits in the area."

"That's just the problem. No enemies, but I'm still getting hit. Destroy the rest of the base!"

Without hesitation, Heero aimed his buster rifle and neatly blasted the rest of the base. No sooner had he finished then he was suddenly sent rocking by a blast that hit him from behind. Something had nailed him while not activating Zero's sensors. Was it some sort of new camoflauge technique? Still getting blasted, Zero slowly turned, eyeing the surrounding area. The satelite they had infiltrated was now in tiny parts floating all over space, but aside from that, there was nothing to hide behind. Heero magnifed to maximum. What was that? Despite being at maximum magnification, Heero saw a slight movement some distance off. He peered at it with his sharp eyes. A blast came from there and hit him hard. Heero was surprised. Not even the Gundams had that much of a range in firing.

"Trowa, it's some sort of Sniper Suit." Turning Wing Zero into a plane, Heero shot off towards the suit that had given both him and Trowa such a hard time. But when he got there, the sniper was long gone. "Damn it."

"Let's get back to base and see if the others had better luck."

Heero didn't reply. All he knew was that he suddenly had this sinking feeling about how the other team did.

* * *

Heero had just typed a curt message to Dr J saying their suits needed to be upgraded again for the new Sniper when he fell back into bed. He was rather surprised to see that Dr J answered immediately. Apparently that was why he and Trowa were sent on that mission. To get the information needed on the Sniper Suit so that the Doctors could upgrade their Gundams, and if he couldn't get it, then the other team had to.

Heero sighed. He sincerely doubted that the others would make it if the sniper was already in live combat testing and with Duo off his rocker. There was a nock on the door.

"Yeah?"

Trowa came in. "The others are coming back." Heero got up and followed Trowa to the docking bay. They arrived just in time to see a battered Deathsycthe and a beaten Shen Lon (Ultron?) come _carrying_ in a severly damaged Sandrock. Not good. Not good at all.

Once the Gundams had "parked" Trowa immediately floated up to Sandrock, Heero following. Upon reaching Sandrock, Trowa tried to open the cockpit. It opened a little, then jammed. The pair started to pull, Wu Fei coming over to help. It took a few minutes, but with all three pilots pushing and pulling, the door finally opened and a very bruised and bloody Quatre fell into Trowa's arms.

"Medic!"

Heero grabbed a first aid kit from inside the cockpit and handed it to Trowa. He turned to Wu Fei. "What happened?"

"I don't know," Wu Fei retorted. "I did everything I was supposed to do."

"And what where you supposed to do?"

"When we were given our mission, we were told that there was a radio jammer in the base. So to make sure we all kept sycronized, and so that someone had back up most of the time, Quatre came up with this silly plan. The three of us were to go in. When we were halfway there, I'd go back, head for Nataku and start the diversion. By the time I statrted firing on the satilite, they'd be ¾ of the way there, so Quatre would turn around and come to support me, leaving Duo to finish up. I left when I was supposed to, but these two came back at the same time. Just before my com unit was hit, I got a transmission from them, saying that the mission was a failure."

Heero faulted Quatre for trusting Duo so much when he knew Duo wasn't in his right mind at the moment.

"What were you up against when you started your attack?"

"Initially, I was fighting Tauruses, but at about the time Quatre and Duo came back, they retreated, but I was still taking damage."

"That damn Sniper Suit. They knew we were coming to both bases. By now the information has probably been moved to a new installation."

"You didn't have any luck either?"

"No." By now, the medics had arrived, so Wu Fei and Heero moved towards the door. Looking around, Heero saw no sign of Duo.

"Trowa!" Heero called back. "Let me know when Quatre wakes up!" Trowa nodded and went with Quatre to the infirmary. Heero started down the halls by himself. Reaching the monitor room, Heero went inside and looked through the ship, trying to find Duo. He finally found the American in his room, sporting a large bruise on his face, and glaring at the oddest adornment he kept in his room. A human-sized sycthe. Duo stared at it, unmoving. Heero continued to observe him.

Some time later, Duo finally went to bed, but Heero stayed awake, watching. Something happened at that base, and the Japanese youth wanted to know what. Wu Fei didn't know the whole story, but Duo and Quatre did. Quatre was unconsious, though; and the previous two times he had talked to Duo ended up in arguments. Who had botched the mission? Was it Duo? Did he do so knowingly, or was it an accident? Did Duo get caught and Quatre then focus on freeing him? What had happened?

"Quatre's awake," Trowa said over the communit. Heero glanced at the clock. 3:17 a.m. Duo would probably remain asleep for a while, so he went to the infirmiry.

At the infirmiry, Trowa was sitting by Quatre, who despite injuries, was having a cup of tea. The petite Arab looked better than he had before, though he was still very pale. Bandages were placed on his arms, around his chest, on one around his head that also covered an eye. Heero was sure there was more, but Quatre wasn't about to let others worry about him. Setting aside his tea, the Sadrock pilot looked over to him.

"I'm glad you're here, Heero," he said quietly. "We've much to talk about." Heero pulled up a chair. Though he did not show it, Heero was surprised when Quatre reached out and took a firm grip on Trowa's wrist. Trowa raised an eyebrow, but Quatre didn't explain.

"Duo is much farther gone than I orignially thought."

"I'm aware of that."

"No, you don't understand. He tried to self-detonate."

"What?" both Trowa and Heero said.

"Let me start from the beginning," With his free hand, he took a sip of tea. "After Wu Fei left, things continued as they were supposed to. Duo and I continued to infiltrate and everything went fine up until Wu Fei started his attack. We were passing by a guard when Duo, despite the fact that neither of us were dressed as soliders, turned to me and said I had better get going to my Gundam."

Heero raised an eyebrow. Duo let that slip? In front of a guard?

"The guard, naturally, grabbed Duo, pointing a gun at his head and called for assistance. I didn't have a choice. I couldn't let Duo get killed."

Heero disagreed with that, but this _was_ Quatre.

"The guard clubbed Duo, though he didn't fall unconsious, and then pointed his gun at me. We were taken to an interogation room."

Trowa got up with a very unhappy look in his eye and headed for the door. Quatre, who still had a firm grip on the pilot's wrist, pulled him back down into the seat.

"Duo was questioned first, but I think the interrogators believed that he only knew me as a pilot. Thinking he didn't know anything, they started in on me." Trowa got up again and Quatre pulled him down again. Taking another sip from his teacup, he continued. "Since they were all focused on me, Duo saw an opportunity and jumped his guard. From the commotion he made, I was able to slip away from those interrogating me.

"From there, we ran all the way back to our Gundams." Heero looked at Quatre. Though the small Arabian was obviously very bruised and battered, he had made it all the way back to his Gundam? Heero reminded himself that Quatre was not as weak as he often seemed. The youth continued. "Once in our Gundams, we started to fight the Tauruses around us. I was able to tell Wu Fei that the mission was a failure before his line went dead. I started to talk to Duo when I noticed that the Tauruses were retreating. Not knowing what was going on, I asked Duo for his opinion. When I looked at him on the viewscreen, he had a self-detonation device in his hand." Trowa got up again and Quatre pulled him down again. "Duo kept babbling. Things like 'they're everywhere' and 'I can't escape them'. Heero, you didn't put the Zero-system in his cockpit did you?"

"No."

"I was afraid of that." Quatre took another long sip of tea. "I tried to talk him out of suicide, but his finger was right on the button, ready to push at any moment. It was at that time that we came under fire from some unseen enemy."

"The Sniper Suit."

"Probably. The hits would really rock the Gundams, so I had to, more or less, protect Duo from the shots aimed at him, lest he hit the button by accident." Trowa got up again and Quatre pulled him down again. "I talked to him for quite a while under the enemy's fire before he finally put his self-detonation device down. I don't remember much after that."

The three of them sat in silence for a long time. The depression Duo was suffering from had obviously reached suicidal proportions and that wasn't good. But Heero still didn't know what had set him down that whole. Duo had never been on a solo mission since the five of them had joined up again, but if this came from before hand, how long had he been diving into those black depths of despair? What had pushed him there?

"It's very strange," Quatre said quietly. "His _kokoro no uchuu_ is completely closed." Heero and Trowa looked at the bandaged pilot.

"Quatre," the green-eyed pilot said. "You have a space heart, not Duo." Quatre looked up to them, surprised.

"You don't know? No of course you wouldn't." Quatre took a deep breath for another explination. "You see, almost everyone on the colonies is born with a space heart." Trowa looked down. "Don't worry Trowa, you have a _kokoro no uchuu_ as well. You see, anyone who has a love of outer space gets a space heart. People on earth tend to focus on their love for their planet, so they usually don't get one, but a few do. Noin-san and Sally-san for example. However, people with a space heart usually are unaware of having one, though it always guides them. That's why the colonies were so united under the original Heero Yuy. It was their space hearts that guided them. But being unaware of their hearts also has drawbacks. The colonies can be easily misguided, like when Oz brainwashed them to be militiristic. Fortunately, the colonies were somewhat divided over Oz, so some people were still listening to their _kokoro no uchuu_. Now, the five of us all have unusually strong _kokoro no uchuu_, which was probably one of the reasons we were chosen as Gundam pilots. You four obviously never knew of your hearts existance, and in a few cases, you have blocked you mind from your heart completely." Heero glanced at Trowa, who was glancing at him. They were both guitly of what Quatre had just explained.

"Now though you four don't have any control over your hearts, they usually remain bright and open. As you know, I have some control over my heart, which is the rare case that is usually documented. Just before I blacked out, I reached out with my heart to feel Duo's in an attempt to see if I could figure out _what _was bothering him so much. His heart was completely sealed, which, in and of itself, speaks of a very deep hurt. You guys never close your hearts, but Duo's is shut tighter than a drum."

Heero swallowed this information slowly. He reviewed it breifly then filed it away for later use.

"Knowing that we all have a _kokoro no uchuu_, it would be obvious that you are the most empathic person of all of us," Heero said to Quatre. "So why would Duo come to me for compassion?"

Trowa turned to him. "When did that happen?"

"A few weeks before you all came to me saying Duo was acting weird."

"He probably came to you because his space heart told him how similar the two of you are." Heero and Trowa blinked.

"Quatre," Trowa said. "Those two couldn't be similar even if they tried to be."

"On the contrary, they are both very alike." Quatre took another sip of tea. "For example, they both hide their emotions."

"I'd say Duo is second only to you in expressiveness," Heero stated.

"You're wrong, Heero," Quatre said. "You both hide your emotions, but in different ways. Like Trowa, you keep your face unreadable. That's your wall to the world. For Duo, he hides everything with a smile and a laugh. You both tend to push people away. You, Heero, by your cold eyes, Duo by not being serious about anything. You both have a woman in your life that you care for, yet do not love."

Heero waved a hand, motioning for Quatre to be quiet. There were one to many revalations about himself right now and he didn't need a full comparison of himself and Duo. Wait a minute. A woman whom Duo cared for?

"Do you think Hilde might be of some help with Duo?"

"It may be," Trowa said. "We're not exactly the easiest people to get along with."

"She has a good heart," Quatre agreed, yawning.

"I think you'd better get some sleep," Trowa said to the small blonde. "You have been through a lot."

"Sounds like a plan," Quatre replied, settling down into the sheets. Heero didn't bother staying. He headed for the nearest shuttle to get him to L2.

* * *

As he parked the shuttle back at their base, Heero noted that Trowa was there along with Quatre, who despite still being bandaged, seemed to be walking alright. Hilde went out and gave them both a big hug.

"It's good to see you guys again!" she said warmly. "I understand you need my help with some of your missions. Thanks for looking me up!"

Quatre leaned over to Heero. "You didn't mention Duo?"

"No, I thought she might be better help if she acted normally."

"Good thinking."

"Oi!" Hilde said. "Quatre, you should be in bed, from the look of you. And aren't you missing a few people here? Where's Duo and Wu Fei?"

"Wu Fei doesn't approve of women helping in missions," Trowa said easily. "You know that. And Duo's in his room."

"He wasn't hurt or anything, was he?" Hilde asked. "If he was, I'll have your heads!"

"No, he's just fine," Quatre said. "Trowa, why don't you take Hilde-san here to his room?" Trowa nodded and floated away with Hilde in tow. The small Arabian turned to Heero. "I'm sure you but a listening devise on her, so go ahead and follow her. I need to get back to bed." Heero nodded and headed for the monitor room. When he gazed at the monitors, Trowa was just leaving, and Hilde went into Duo's room.

As he had been ever since he got back from the failed mission, the braided American was staring at his human-sized scythe. He looked up as Hilde came in.

"Hey Duo!" she said cheerily. "What're you doing cooped up in here? I'd've thought you'd be out painting the town red!"

"Hilde!" Duo put on his smile. "What a surprise! What brings you here?"

"Your friend Heero recruited me to help. From the look of Quatre, I'd say you guys are having difficulty getting what you need."

"But this line of work is too dangerous for you!" Duo protested.

"It's not too dangerous for me, if it's not too dangerous for you."

"Hmph. Wish Heero had talked to me about that. I'd have talked him out of contacting you."

"You know Heero. He does things his way."

"Huh. Yeah, I guess he does," Duo mumbled. Putting his smile back on he stood up, putting away his scythe. "Tell ya what, Hilde. Let me treat you to an afternoon you'll never forget!"

"Wonderful!"

Perfect. Duo was brightening. Perhaps he would confide in Hilde what was bothering him so much. All Heero had to do was follow them into town.

* * *

Duo did indeed talk a lot with Hilde as they window shopped through the colony. However, he talked about the missions he had been on, skipping over how he had gotten depressed and the fact that he tried to self-detonate, and told her that there was a new Sniper Suit they needed the plans for in order to upgrade their suits. Heero was a little unnerved at exactly _how_ much he confided in Hilde, but Duo didn't lie and he obviously treated Hilde like a little sister.

The conversation remained light and on what had been going on since they last saw each other. Heero started thinking that Duo would never confess what happened when they reached a small oudoor café and sat down for luch. Heero calmly sat down at another table, pulling his hat down to cover his face.

"Hilde," Duo said seriously. "There's something I want to talk to you about."

Jackpot.

"Before you do," Hilde interupted, "there's something I want to say." Duo raised an eyebrow. Hilde reached out and put her hand on his. "I'm sure that some of the other guys have been teasing you about how you lived with me for a while. But I want to say that those were some of the best times in my life. I love you dearly. You're like the big brother I never had growing up. So I think that you can safely tell your friends that I'm your little sister, not girlfriend." Duo and Heero faulted for a moment before regaining composure.

"Hilde," Duo said quietly. Then he put on his smiled again. Damn it. "I've always seen you as my little sister, and I'm proud to have one like you."

"Phew," Hilde said. "I'm glad that's out of the way. For a while I thought you might be interested in me."

"As a sister sure, but nothing else."

"Good. Now what did you want to mention?" Duo looked away.

"It's nothing important." Damn it damn it damn it!

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." He smiled at her again and got up. "So let's go have some fun!"

Heero sighed, left an big tip, and followed them into the crowd. They walked all over the city, seeing sights and talking small talk again. The went by all the stores, visited a museum, and walked through every market they could find. Finally, they walked to a more residential district, taking a leisurely stroll and passing houses and churches.

At one point, Duo stopped dead in his tracks, letting Hilde go on. Heero ducked into an alley. The braided American was staring at a building across the street. It was a large brick structure with children playing in the front yard. It was an orphanage.

"Duo? Hey Duo!" Hilde apparently noticed that Duo wasn't by her side anymore. She jogged back to him. Duo just stared across the street in chilling silence. "Duo? Duo what's wrong? Talk to me? Duo? Duo!"

Duo turned and took off running down the street. "Duo!" Heero jumped out of the alley and followed, surprised that the black clad youth was actually pulling away from him. Something caught his eye on the pavement as he followed Duo back into the crowded streets of a market place. Small little circles darker than the rest o the pavement. He was crying. Heero cursed under his breath and turned a corner just in time to see Duo duck down an alley. He skidded to a halt in front of the alley and stared. No sign of Duo whatsoever. Nothing. He ran down the alley to the other street and looked around. No braid in sight. He went back through the alley, examining everything. No clues at all. Duo had just vanished.

"Heero?" He turned and saw Hilde, very out of breath coming towards him. "Heero, where's Duo? What happened back there?"

"I don't know." The only place that he could think of where Duo would go was back to his room for that scythe. It was a slim chance, but he had nothing else to go on. He took of running again.

"Heero!"

Once back at the base, Heero ignored everyone staring at him and went straight for Duo's room. Nothing was out of place. Duo hadn't been there since that morning. Cursing vehemently, Heero kicked the wall.

"That _baka_!" Wu Fei happened to be walking by.

"What's wrong?"

"That idiot ran away. There's no trace of him at all."

"He _what_?" Heero ran down the corridor again. He needed to talk to Quatre.

* * *

Heero burst into Quatre's room. "Quatre!" The blond Arabian in question was snuggled deep under his covers, fast asleep and Trowa had a chair pulled up by the bed, reading a book.

Seeing Heero enter the room, Trowa stood up and put his finger to his mouth. "Shhh, Quatre just fell asleep an hour ago."

"He'd had all day to sleep-"

"But he hasn't. He's been too worried about Duo. I had one of the medics give him something to sleep."

"I need to talk to him _now_. Duo's gone."

"What?"

"Hmm?" That came from the bed. Quatre sat up groggily and blinked at Heero. "What about Duo? Did Hilde-san help?"

"Duo ran away. I have no idea where he is," Heero stated. "He talked to you the most, do you know where he might have gone?"

Quatre rubbed his eye. "No I don't know. Hilde-san's place, maybe, but Hilde-san is here, so maybe not, ah, I don't know," Quatre mumbled, forcing sleep from his head. Shaking his blond locks he looked to Heero. "The only place I can think of is Hilde-san's home, but with Hilde-san here, he might think that as the first place we look."

"Damn that _baka_," Heero muttered. "Quatre? How does Duo feel about children?"

Quatre thought a moment, gathering his thoughts through his sleepy haze. "He loves kids. He wants some when he grows up. He loves playing with them and stuff like that."

That wasn't much help. "What about orphanages? How does he feel about those?"

"Touchy subject, if I recall," Quatre said, stiffling a yawn. Bingo. Heero finally had something that could be the source of what was bugging Duo. "Um, he grew up in one I believe, but he never really wanted to talk about it. Why?"

"He was in front of an orphanage when he bolted."

"So we've no idea where he is or where he's going," Trowa summed it up. Everyone nodded glumly. "Then there's nothing really we can do but wait until he comes back. He won't leave Deathscythe by itself, so he'll have to come back for it eventually." At least, that's what Heero hoped would happen

* * *

The next few weeks dragged by. No word came from Duo. The pilots tried to look for Duo in possible places, but to no avail. Whereever Duo was hiding himself, he was doing a damn good job of making sure no one knew where. Weeks became months. Heero and Wu Fei went out to try to get the plans again. They failed again. Another week went by. Wu Fei and Trowa went out, but failed as well. Quatre was finally up on his feet again, wearing only an eyepatch to make sure his eye healed properly. Oddly enough, it was Hilde who retrieved the plans needed for their Gundam upgrades. It had been two months, and still no sign of Duo anywhere. The doctors where informed but didn't know where Duo was. Dr. G had found him on the streets, and didn't know where he grew up. Quatre was now fully healed and their Gundams upgraded to deal with the Sniper Suit that gave them so much trouble.

Heero started to believe that Duo had succeeded in a suicide attempt. They were probably never going to see him again. Damn it, why couldn't he have seen this coming sooner? Why couldn't he have helped that annoying braided maniac? Why couldn't he have done _something_?

Heero let out a long sigh as he walked down the hallway. As he walked by Duo's room, he noticed something odd. The door was slightly ajar. Pulling out his gun, Heero slowly edged the door open. In the mirror across from him, he saw the braided youth that had been AWOL for the past two and a half months. And that braided idiot had detached his scythe from its staff and had it swinging on a rope over his wrist.

Putting away his gun, Heero slowly opened the door all the way. He walked over in front of Duo and gave him a long stare. Duo's eyese were very different. Normally bright, cheerful, smiling eyes were now dead, lifeless, blank, and cold. The scythe continued to swing like a pendulum, back and forth, about a finger width above his bare wrist. Heero reached out and grabbed the scythe in mid swing, letting it dig deeply into his fingers. He didn't do a thing.

"Yuy? Maxwell?" Wu Fei came into the room, cutting the silence that weighed heavily down upon them. Duo let his hand drop to his side, not showing any reaction to Heero's blood which fell in a fairly steady stream onto his wrist and leg. "Yuy, you'd better get down to the infirmary," Wu Fei said quietly. He pulled the scythe out of Heero's hand. "If you don't treat that quickly, you'll loose functioning of that hand." Heero ignored Wu Fei and continued to stare into those dull lifeless eyes.

"Fine, if you're going to be that way about it, Yuy, I'll get the medics myself." Going out into the hall, Wu Fei ordered a medic brought immediately. Then he went about bandaging Heero's hand himself. The Japanese pilot continued to stare at Duo. The young Ameirican never moved or responded to anything going on around him.

"Wu Fei, we heard a medic was nee-Duo?" Quatre and Trowa came in, Duo oblivious to all of it. Heero continued to stare. Trowa went over to help Wu Fei bandage Heero while Quatre sat down by Duo.

"Duo, you've had us all very worried about you." Silence. "Are you alright?" Silence. "Where have you been?" Silence. "Please, talk to us Duo." Silence. By now a medic had come in and properly taken care of Heero's hand. Heero continued to stare at Duo.

"Quatre," Trowa said. "I think that these two should be left alone." Quatre looked over to the other pilot, who gave a reassuring nod.

"All right. I'll go make them some herbal tea. That might help." The three pilots left, giving Heero and Duo some privacy.

"Alright, Duo," Heero started, continuing to stare at him. "You once came to me for compassion. I'll give you compassion, if I know what's going on. Talk. To. Me."

Duo remained unmoving. Silence fell upon the room again. Finally, Duo spoke up. "Where it all began."

"Fine. Come on then." Heero grabbed Duo with his good hand and floated down the hall. Within a few minutes they were at Heero's room. As a precaustionary mesure, Heero disabled the camera in his room to make sure this was indeed private.

"Alright Duo. We're alone and where this all started. Talk."

Duo continued to stare into nothingness with his dull blank eyes. "I am no longer Duo Maxwell." Oh great, now what? "I am Shinigami, the God fo Death. Duo had evolved, or perhaps a better word is devolved, into me."

Wonderful. This was some sort of split personality thing like with Une. So what was it about orphanages that caused all this? Authors Note: No, we have never seen Episode Zero, so please bear with us for inaccuracies.

"When Duo was a child, as I'm sure you must know by now, he was an orphan," Duo, or rather Shinigami started. "The orphanage he stayed at had a strict, but understanding headmaster. His name was Father Maxwell." Maxwell? Was that where he got his name? "Duo was a bright and cheerful kid who loved to get into mischief. He saw Fr Maxwell as a real father, and not just a priest. Fr Maxwell often played with him, helped him in his studies; it was all around a good healthy friendship between the two. One Sunday, little Duo decided it would be fun to play a prank on Fr Maxwell. So, he set up a bucket of water on a door held slightly ajar." Heero saw where this was going. "Fr Maxwell was getting ready to say Mass and as he walked out the door, he was promptly duncked in cold ice water. He had to say the entire Mass dripping wet. Duo found it hilarious. Fr Maxwell did not. The result was Duo being spanked and sent down to the basement to await further punishment." Duo's eyes remained dead and lifeless.

"That was when it happened." It was damn eery how Duo never moved as he talked and his dead eyes seemed locked onto nothingness "While Duo was down in the basement, it being long into the night, he heard voices above him. Fr Maxwell was arguing with someone. The one line that was clear and burned itself into his mind was Fr Maxwell shouting, 'Soliders of Oz are not welcomed in the House of God!' After that, Duo heard a bang and several of the nuns screaming. Duo looked up, trying to see through the floorboards. He could see nothing, but a drop of something fell on his nose. Rubbing it with his finger, he looked at it in the dim lighting. It was red. Duo looked up again and immediately went for the window."

"Window?" Heero asked. It was weird, listening to Duo talk about himself in the third person, but the story was fairly compelling, and he instinctively knew how it ended.

"Yes, the window," Duo replied. "In the basement, they had small windows, all of them locked. But with one of them, Duo had discovered that you could take away the glass and squeeze through. He knew that he was getting to big for that escape, but he was compelled to try. He somehow managed to get through the window and he ran into the orphanage. Fr Maxwell and all the sisters were in an ocean of blood. Above him, he could hear the other children screaming. They had been locked in their rooms for the night and were frightend by the shots. Duo went over to Fr Maxwell. Father, who was dead, looked up at him with angry accusing eyes. Duo thought, and still thinks those eyes were meant for him." Heero was beginning to see where a lot of this depression was stemming from. But why would something of the past affect him now?

"He cried there for a long time, holding Fr Maxwell to him. He doesn't remember how, but at one point he looked up to see he was surrounded by flames and the children screaming upstairs weren't frightned by shots any more. They were frightened by the prospect of dying. Duo reacted on instinct. He grabbed the golden cross that Fr Maxwell always worn and ran out of the house, hearing the screams behind him." Heero wagered that the cross that Duo wore was the one he had taken from Father Maxwell. Slowly, pieces of Duo's personality where coming together.

"From that point on, Duo lived on the streets. Having little, he made a promise never to cut his hair again, to remind himself of where he had come from. He became probably the best theif on all the colony, and his steath is legendary among the thieves and cut throats of L2. Then Dr. G found him. When given the opportunity to destroy Oz, Duo lept for it and volunteered for Deathscythe. One day, after a very successful simulation, Duo came out and the doctor said 'You're quiet the little God of Death, aren't you?' He liked the name Shinigami and started down the path that made him what he is today. Me."

Heero stared at Duo. A lot of Duo's little quirks now made a hell of a lot more scense than before. Duo had always been rebellious, so by continually playing pranks on Wu Fei and the rest of them, the braided American was daring fate to repeat what had happened so long ago. The braid, the cross, the minsister garb, they were all there to remind the black clad Shinigami of the guilt he carried in his heart. Duo was a far more complex person than he let on.

"So," Heero said. "How does what happened, ten years ago affect you today?"

"Very astute. You're going to make me relive it again aren't you?"

"I can't give compassion unless I know the whole story."

Duo let out a long sigh, his eyes still cold and dull. "Duo was on a mission just before the five of us got together again. He was to destroy a facitity in a nearby colony. He succeeded in his mission, but he did not get out unscathed." Heero raised an eyebrow. By 'unscathed' did he mean his Gundam, or himself? "It was a minor battle by Duo's standarts, but they were in a densely populated part of the colony, so Duo thought it best to stay on the ground and keep the enemy from firing on the colonists." A very wise descision. "Unfortunately, the evacuation didn't go fast enough. Duo was hit from behind and went crashing forward. Onto an orphanage. His viewscreens were filled with images of of the children underneath him getting crushed by a 7 ton Gundam."

"And that's when you started questioning yourself."

"That was when Duo became Shinigami. That's when Duo became me." Not quite split personality, but damn close. Duo honestly thought of himself as the God of Death now. How was Heero supposed to bring him back to reality? "So tell me, Heero. You want to give me compassion. But as the God of Death, don't I have the right to preform my 'godly' right upon myself?"

"Shinigami," Heero started. How could he give compassion? Better question, how would Quatre do it? Quatre, like Duo, liked to tell stories about himself or his family. What the hell. Heero had a story that would shame Duo's as far as guilt was concerned. "Shinigami, I know what it's like to wake up in the morning and feel quilty about things you have done."

"Yeah right," Duo muttered. "You, Mr. Perfect Solider? Gimme a break."

"Do you want compassion or not?"

"How can you give me compassion? You don't even have any feelings!" Was it Heero's imagination, or did he see a spark of life in those dead eyes for an instant. He pondered that in the back of his mind as he told his story.

"I know damn well what it's like to feel guilty. I was trained by Dr J, as you know, but he had to train me twice."

"Twice?"

"Twice. After my first bout of training, I went out on a mission. I was watching my target in a fairly deserted section of my colony. It was getting late, so not many people were out. I was completely focused on my target, but my eyes caught other things that happened around me. One of those things was a little girl. She was about five years old. She was chasing a little puppy when she went by me, and she was holding a small teddy bear. Her hair was long, curly, and very red which complimented her bright green eyes. She had a small round face, covered in freckles. I ignored her. I went about my mission. The mission was a success, but not without a cost. The area the girl was in got blasted."

"Oh Heero."

"I ran over there and found her teddy bear on a pile of rubble. I started to dig down until I found her mutilated corpse. Blood smeared all over her white blouse and matted down her lifeless hair. Her back was almost snapped in half and one of her legs was twisted in a way it wasn't supposed to go. To add the icing to the cake, she was protecting the little puppy she was chasing."

Duo looked over to Heero, eyes still blank and dull. "I'm sorry, Heero. I had no idea. What did you do?"

"I went back to Dr J and told him to retrain me."

"Did it work?"

"No. I still see her in my dreams sometimes." Heero was amazed at exactly how much he was telling to Duo. He had just opened a wound that he had kept closed ever since it happened. He was the first to admit that he he felt extremely guilty over what had happened. But somehow, sharing this story with Duo, and listening to his as well made the guilt seem smaller. Was this why Quatre talked so much about what happened on his missions? Was this why Trowa only _really_ talked with the small Arab? What an amazing thing.

"So what do I do?"

Heero paused, choosing his words carefully. "Get angry."

"What?"

"Get angry. Get angry at Oz for destroying your home in the orphanage. Get angry at the enemy for making you fall onto the other orphanage.

"Tshe, easy for you to say."

"You got angry before, when you claimed your Gundam. Get angry again."

"But what will it do if it was my fault?"

"Baka! What happened was not your fault! Don't you think if Father Maxwell was posted at another church of orphanage, he wouldn't have preached? It was what he preached that got him in trouble in the first place."

"But if I..Duo hadn't gotten Fr Maxwell angry, he might have peacable talked to those soliders."

"Like that would have mattered to Oz. You know how theye were back then. They came to kill Fr Maxwell and everyone in the orphanage. You were lucky you survived."

"Shut up!" Duo yelled, a sparkle returning to his eyes briefly. "It's all my fault! They all died because of me! I didn't try to save them; I just ran away."

"You did what you had to in order to take revenge on Oz. If you tried to save the other children, you all probably would have died."

"And what about the orphanage I crushed, huh?" Duo shouted. There was a small sparkle again. "I should have taken that fight outside of the Colony! I should have destroyed the enemy more quickly. I should have done _something_!" The spark disappeared, returning his eyes to the dull voids they were.

"I don't recall you saying that you aimed a gun at the orphanage. You just fell on it because someone else pushed you. You did what you could in the heat of battle. Mistakes are made. I still feel poorly for killing Marshall Noventa."

Duo let out a long sigh. "You've given me a lot to think about, Heero," he said quietly. "I'd like to be alone for a while."

"Fine, but you're staying here until I'm sure you won't try suicide again."

"Whatever."

* * *

The next few weeks saw a large improvement in Duo. His eyes remained dull and lifeless, but his actions were slowly getting back to normal. He was talking again, and, to Wu Fei's discomfort, playing pranks again. Heero was still a little worried though. Though his behavior was almost back to normal, Duo's eyes still told how troubled they were. His worrys increased when he was told that he was to go on a mission with Quatre and Duo with their newly upgraded Gundams.

Heero put on his gloves, grabbed his helmet and floated up. As he passed Deathscythe, he noticed that Trowa was talking to Duo. He couldn't help but listen as he passed by.

"…condition Quatre was in last time?" Trowa was saying.

"Yeah, I remember," Duo replied. It really bugged Heero how lifeless those eyes remained.

"Good. Then it won't happen again, will it." It was a command, not a question.

"Does it matter what I say?" Duo retorted.

"Just don't let that happen." Trowa floated away and Duo closed his hatch. Sitting down in Wing Zero, Heero watched the Heavyarms pilot float over to Quatre.

"Quatre, stay away from Duo on this mission."

"Trowa, you know I can't do that."

"You saw what happened last time."

"But he's my friend. I have to help him if he's in trouble."

"Quatre, you tried to help him last time, and to be frank, you failed. You remember how long it took you to recover. Stay away from Duo."

"I can't make any promises, Trowa." Quatre gave that winning smile. "But I can tell you, Duo's heart is not the same as it was back then."

"Oh?" Trowa replied. Heero listened more closely.

"Hai. It's not open yet, but that scar that was there is healing. Whatever Heero did helped. He may not be 100 normal again, but he's on his way."

"Just be careful."

"I always am, Trowa." Trowa gave a small smile and went back to the door where Wu Fei was watching. Shutting his hatch, Quatre gave the signal for everyone to go.

* * *

Authoress's note: Deathscythe is the one from the second half of the series. The one with those…those…bat wings? that go up and down? Understand what I mean?

* * *

Duo's dull eyes flicked back from one screen to another, analyzing the situation as best he could. The battle was going alright, but they were _inside_ a colony, and he had to make sure that no more colonists were going to get killed. The modifications the docs made were good as well. Their Gundams had a new armor that was 10 times as strong but also _much_ lighter, lending the Gundams more agility. Instead of 7 tons to move around, they only had 6 with the new armor. So when they got hit, no damage was done from that Sniper Suit. It still rocked them, but no damage. The new sensors that were installed also helped, alerting them to the Sniper Suit before it had a chance to aim. _And_ their weapons could now fire at the same distance as the Sniper. This was awesome.

Duo watched his footing and took down another enemy in one blow. It was good to be back in the cockpit again. His suicidal bout was behind him and he didn't have to worry any more. He was fine and back to his old self, right?

Looking at his sensors again, he saw an incoming shot headed for him! He didn't have time to dodge! It nailed him hard in the back, sending him forward. Looking down, he saw a church was just letting out its parishoners. Children were playing in front of the church as their parents were told where to go from the battlezone. He was going to crush them!

Duo didn't think, but reacted. He brought down his batwings ? and watched them dig deep into the ground, making colonists scream and children cry. The end result was Deathscythe in a push up with his wings. Everyone was saved.

He almost did it again. He almost _killed_ the people he wanted to defend! He almost did it this time! But what about next time? What if he actually killed children again next time? Should he be around for a next time? Should he let something like this happen again? All of Duo's doubts and suicidal thoughts came crushing back down on him.

* * *

Heero sliced through another enemy.

"Heero!" Quatre's face came up on the screen. "The colonists aren't fully evacuated yet." Damn. "I'm going to see if I can hel-" Quatre gasped sharply.

"Quatre?" The small Arab clutched his heart, getting very short on breath. He hunched forward, sweat already froming on his paled brow. His blue eyes were wide and frightful as he tried to swallow down as much air as possible.

"Quatre? What's wrong?"

"D-duo.." Quatre whispered. "Heart….in the abyss….must choose…life…or.." Quatre could't finish, but he didn't need to. Heero knew the situation. He put Duo's image on the screen.

"Duo!" Duo was staring at him in shock, his dull eyes twitching. "Get angry. Get angry at Oz for destroying your home in the orphanage. Get angry at the enemy for making you fall onto the other orphanage. Get angry at whatever just happened. Get angry!"

Duo gave no response. He just sat there. Nothing happened. Heero heard a ragged gasp from Quatre and put the blond back on the screen. Quatre was no curled into a ball, shaking violently. His white skin soaked in sweat, matting his golden locks.

"Look out assholes!" Was that Duo? Heero put Duo back on the screen. The braided Shinegami had his head back and was laughing maniacly. "Look out, because Shinigami is going to make you _pay_ for your sins! Wahoo!" Duo looked to the viewscreen.

Heero gasped. Duo's eyes that had been dull, lifeless, cold, and blank for so long were back to their normal selves. His eyes had sparkle, life, warmth, sharpness, laughter, smiles, spirt, everthing that they were before and then some. Those violet eyes were beautiful like that.

"Heero," the pilot said seriously. "I want to thank you. Domo arigatoo, for showing me where to go. For telling me what to do. For giving me compassion. Thank you for being such a good friend."

Heero grunted, not used to such a compliment. "Doo itashimeshite." Duo, now back to his old self, went back to fighting, so Heero put Quatre on the screen. Though still visibly shaken, the small pilot looked better than before.

"You choose your words well," Quatre sais quietly. "He choose life and his heart is now open again, brighter than ever."

"Um. Good. Let's finish this mission."

* * *

**The End**


End file.
